Caring for Calves and Kids

It was Christmas and I had just had my second child 10 days before. I was a new mom of two in a sea of raging hormones and a deep dark depression. All the holiday decorations and lights in the world couldn’t make me feel normal again even though I really needed it to be.

We were at the photographer’s studio taking newborn and holiday photos as a new family of four. I had to have my mom and my sister there because I was this mom whose anxiety just wouldn’t stop and two kids who needed me what seemed like all the time. I was overwhelmed. If my 2-year-old caught a glimpse of me she would be useless for photos.

So as this anxiety wrapped mom, I was in the corner shaking and just trying to stay out of sight of my kids so they would actually smile for the photos and it got me thinking. Everyone was focused on the kids, making sure they get a smile, but you have to be invisible.

You have to hide and make sure none of the focus is on you so your kids don’t have a meltdown. But what you desperately need is the focus to be on you.

You need someone to hold your hand. To tell you that it’s going to be okay. To just help keep you calm. You need to know that your life has meaning. You want to see those fun photos happen and all those smiles from your kids, but you can’t. You have to stay in the corner or hide somewhere so that your kids don’t instantly begin crying. It’s so hard to be an invisible mom.

It’s not something that is easy or good for the soul, but what I can tell you years after this incident is that it does get better. Your kids will get more self-sufficient, that anxiety medicine will kick in, it will get easier. It just takes time which I know is so hard to hear. But you can do it. You can get there. It just takes one step at a time, and probably a few steps backwards too.